A Lady goes into a Pet Store

And lands her eyes on a beautiful parrot. Lovely plumage and everything. She goes to the store owner and says, “I want this parrot. How much is it for?”

The shop owner says, “2000 dollars”

The lady says, “I understand the parrot is beautiful, but isn’t the price a bit too high?”

Shop owner says, “Lady, this parrot is called Mickey and it talks. A lot. Go ahead ask it something.”

The lady asks the parrot – “Hello Mickey, what do you think of me?”

The parrot says – “I think you’re a cum-hungry whore, bitch!”

The lady is offended and says, “No way am I taking such a potty-mouth parrot.”

The shop owner intervenes with “Lady, please give me 10 minutes and I will ensure Mickey behaves.”

The shop owner then takes the parrot to the back of the store, brings out a pale of water, dunks Mickey in and asks “Are you going to fucking swear again?”

Mickey says, “Sure as fuck I will, you piece of shit!”

The shop owner then gets another bucket full of ice water, dunks Mickey in for 15 seconds and says, “How about now, fuckwit?”

Mickey goes, “I have learned my lesson, master. Please don’t ever do that to me again. I shall be civil for the rest of my days.”

The shop owner then brings Mickey back out and tells the lady, “I have cured him. You can test.”

The lady then says, “Mickey, what will you say if I come home with a man?”

Mickey says, “That you have come home with your husband.”

The lady asks again, “And what if I come home with two men?”

Mickey says, “That you are having a family dinner with your husband and your brother.”

The lady then asks, “And what if I come home with three men?”

Mickey says, “Bro you better fetch that bucket of ice-water, I told you the bitch is a fucking whore.”

M&Ms

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.” This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.

Windows Update

A trick we have learned:
  1. Download the appropriate (x64 or x86) versions of these three updates: KB3020369KB3172605, and KB3125574.
  2. Open an elevated PowerShell prompt and run the following commands, which will allow the next updates to install quickly:
    1. stop-service wuauserv
    2. remove-item c:\windows\softwaredistribution\WuRedir
  3. Double-click and run the KB3020369 update (previously downloaded). Should take less than 2 minutes to run, and will not require a reboot.
  4. Now double-click the KB3172605 update you previously downloaded. Follow the prompts. Reboot when it says to. (This step should take about 1 minute).
  5. Double-click and run the KB3125574 update (previously downloaded). Should take about 12 minutes to run. It will require a reboot that takes 5 minutes to complete.
  6. Begin WU (Windows Update) after completing the above steps. A list of 60+ available updates should be returned within 5 minutes.
  7. Finish updating normally … rebooting when it says to. You will probably need to reboot and re-check for updates at least two more times.