How to securely check your email on public Wi-Fi

Remember: Log out, shut your browser, procure a hydrogen bomb (trading highly classified U.S. defense secrets on the black market with a rogue state is easiest), strap your computer to the tip of the weapon, dig a 25-mile-deep hole to the earth’s mantle, drop the thermonuclear device in, and then detonate it to trigger a mass volcanic event that fills the atmosphere with thick clouds of ash, thereby cloaking the entire planet in darkness for centuries. But be sure to double-check that you logged out first! Then just sit back and relax with the knowledge that you’re experiencing safe and secure online banking from Chase as the planet is submerged into an inescapable ice age that kills over 90 percent of all species, including humans, forcing nature to begin an entirely new evolutionary path!