So Joe had these headaches…

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store & thought, “That’s what I need – a new suit.”

He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck.” Again, Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?” Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see … 9-1/2 E.” Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure.” The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see… size 36.”

Joe laughed. “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

I’m Kind of a Big Deal at Cracker Barrel

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM MY ASS INTO CRACKER BARREL FOR A NICE SIT DOWN BREAKFAST. ITS CHICKEN FRIED STEAK, 2 SIDES OF HASH BROWNS, 3 PIECES OF CORNBREAD, 4 SLICES OF TURKEY BACON, AND A DR. PEPPER. I EAT EVERY MORSEL AND I ENJOY EVERY BITE HARD. MAKIN WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN SOME CORNBREAD INTO MY CUP OF BACON GREASE FOR DIPPING. NOT MANY KNOW WHY TRUMP WON AND MAKE JOKES ABOUT HIM BEING A BAD PRESIDENT. HE WON BECAUSE THE WHITE MALE IS MARGINALIZED AND MADE TO LOOK THE FOOL, WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE GETS TO RUN AROUND FREE OF ALL CONSEQUENCES. I HAVE TWEETED THIS TO MR. TRUMP AND HOPE TO GOD HE CRASHES THEIR STOCK LIKE HE DID ALL THOSE OTHER CROOKED COMPANIES. 1 HOUR TO CHILL OUT AND RELAX EVERY MORNING.

Regulate

On a cool, clear night (typical to Southern California) Warren G travels through his neighborhood, searching for women with whom he might initiate sexual intercourse. He has chosen to engage in this pursuit alone.

Nate Dogg, having just arrived in Long Beach, seeks Warren. On his way to find Warren, Nate passes a car full of women who are excited to see him. Regardless, he insists to the women that there is no cause for excitement.

Warren makes a left turn at 21st Street and Lewis Ave, in the East Hill/Salt Lake neighborhood, where he sees a group of young men enjoying a game of dice together. He parks his car and greets them. He is excited to find people to play with, but to his chagrin, he discovers they intend to relieve him of his material possessions. Once the hopeful robbers reveal their firearms, Warren realizes he is in a less than favorable predicament.

Meanwhile, Nate passes the women, as they are low on his list of priorities. His primary concern is locating Warren. After curtly casting away the strumpets (whose interest in Nate was such that they crashed their automobile), he serendipitously stumbles upon his friend, Warren G, being held up by the young miscreants. Warren, unaware that Nate is surreptitiously observing the scene unfold, is in disbelief that he’s being robbed. The perpetrators have taken jewelry and a name brand designer watch from Warren, who is so incredulous that he asks what else the robbers intend to steal.

This is most likely a rhetorical question.

Observing these unfortunate proceedings, Nate realizes that he may have to use his firearm to deliver his friend from harm. The tension crescendos as the robbers point their guns to Warren’s head. Warren senses the gravity of his situation. He cannot believe the events unfolding could happen in his own neighborhood. As he imagines himself in a fantastical escape, he catches a glimpse of his friend, Nate.

Nate has seventeen cartridges to expend (sixteen residing in the pistol’s magazine, with a solitary round placed in the chamber and ready to be fired) on the group of robbers, and he uses many of them. Afterward, he generously shares the credit for neutralizing the situation with Warren, though it is clear that Nate did all of the difficult work. Putting congratulations aside, Nate quickly reminds himself that he has committed multiple homicides to save Warren before letting his friend know that there are females nearby if he wishes to fornicate with them.

Warren recalls that it was the promise of copulation that coaxed him away from his previous activities, and is thankful that Nate knows a way to satisfy these urges.

Nate quickly finds the women who earlier crashed their car on Nate’s account. He remarks to one that he is fond of her physical appeal. The woman, impressed by Nate’s singing ability, asks that he and Warren allow her and her friends to share transportation. Soon, both friends are driving with automobiles full of women to the East Side Motel, presumably to consummate their flirtation in an orgy.

The third verse is more expository, with Warren and Nate explaining their G Funk musical style. Nate displays his bravado by claiming that individuals with equivalent knowledge could not even attempt to approach his level of lyrical mastery. There follows a brief discussion of the genre’s musicological features, with special care taken to point out that in said milieu the rhythm is not in fact the rhythm, as one might assume, but actually the bass. Similarly the bass serves a purpose closer to that which the treble would in more traditional musical forms. Nate goes on to note that if any third party smokes as he does, they would find themselves in a state of intoxication daily (from Nate’s other works, it can be inferred that the substance referenced is marijuana). Nate concludes his delineation of the night by issuing a vague threat to “busters,” suggesting that he and Warren will further “regulate” any potential incidents in the future (presumably by engaging their enemies with small arms fire).

50 Offensive Jokes

1 – Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes
2 – My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then I unplugged his life support.
3 – What’s the difference between a woman and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once.
4 – Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.
5 – What’s the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
6 – How do you get a gay guy to fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt.
7 – What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn’t unwrapped his present.
8 – How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on the grave.
9 – How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.
10 – How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.
11 – Why do Mexicans never have Sex Ed and Driver’s Ed on the same day? They have to give the donkey a break at some point.
12 – Feminism
13 – So I suggested to my wife that she’d look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
14 – How did Hitler kill so many Jews? Free transportation
15 – How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don’t be stupid, feminists can’t change anything.
16 – What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery.
17 – So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster… Now it doesn’t work.
18 – Say what you want about pedophiles but they do drive slower through school zones
19 – What’s the difference between a gay man and a freezer? A freezer doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.
20 – What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you already done told her twice.
21 – What’s white on top and black on bottom? US culture
22 – Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free.
23 – What happened when the Jew walked into the wall with a hard-on? He broke his nose.
24 – How long does it take for a black woman to take a shit? Nine months.
25 – How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.
26 – How many Jews can you fit into a car? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 5,999,995 in the ashtray
27 – How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just sit in the dark and bitch.
28 – What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’ll hate it as an adult.
29 – What’s the worst thing about being black and Jewish? Having to sit in the back of the oven.
30 – What’s a pedophile’s favorite part of a hockey game? Before the First Period.
31 – How do you swat 200 flies at one time? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
32 – What’s black and blue and doesn’t like to have sex? The 9-year-old girl in my basement.
33 – How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? One, she just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.
34 – What’s the difference between jelly and jam? I can’t jelly my dick down a baby’s throat.
35 – Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can’t do stand up.
36 – Did you hear the Score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer game? Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn’t.
37 – How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don’t. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.
38 – What’s 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage.
39 – What’s the hardest part of eating bald pussy? Getting the diaper back on.
40 – What’s the difference between dollars and Jews? I’d give a shit if I lost 6 million dollars.
41 – 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
42 – What’s the best part about fucking a 12-year-old girl? If you flip her over she looks like her little brother
43 – What do you get when you cross goat DNA with human DNA? You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
44 – I don’t understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean, I know he’s black and all, but I doubt he’ll shoot anyone.
45 – What’s the difference between a Jew and Harry Potter? Harry can escape the chamber.
46 – What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? Wrong.
47 – What’s the difference between black people and snow tires? A: A snow tire doesn’t sing when you put chains on it.
48 – What’s the difference between cancer and black people? Cancer got Jobs.
49 – What do Sarah Palin and Iron Man have in common? They both had a Downey Jr. inside of them.
50 – A black, a Muslim and a Mexican jump off a cliff to see who gets to the bottom first. Who wins? A: Society.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? 

I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

A Lady goes into a Pet Store

And lands her eyes on a beautiful parrot. Lovely plumage and everything. She goes to the store owner and says, “I want this parrot. How much is it for?”

The shop owner says, “2000 dollars”

The lady says, “I understand the parrot is beautiful, but isn’t the price a bit too high?”

Shop owner says, “Lady, this parrot is called Mickey and it talks. A lot. Go ahead ask it something.”

The lady asks the parrot – “Hello Mickey, what do you think of me?”

The parrot says – “I think you’re a cum-hungry whore, bitch!”

The lady is offended and says, “No way am I taking such a potty-mouth parrot.”

The shop owner intervenes with “Lady, please give me 10 minutes and I will ensure Mickey behaves.”

The shop owner then takes the parrot to the back of the store, brings out a pale of water, dunks Mickey in and asks “Are you going to fucking swear again?”

Mickey says, “Sure as fuck I will, you piece of shit!”

The shop owner then gets another bucket full of ice water, dunks Mickey in for 15 seconds and says, “How about now, fuckwit?”

Mickey goes, “I have learned my lesson, master. Please don’t ever do that to me again. I shall be civil for the rest of my days.”

The shop owner then brings Mickey back out and tells the lady, “I have cured him. You can test.”

The lady then says, “Mickey, what will you say if I come home with a man?”

Mickey says, “That you have come home with your husband.”

The lady asks again, “And what if I come home with two men?”

Mickey says, “That you are having a family dinner with your husband and your brother.”

The lady then asks, “And what if I come home with three men?”

Mickey says, “Bro you better fetch that bucket of ice-water, I told you the bitch is a fucking whore.”